Can men and women be friends?

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
edcat7
Posts: 911
Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 3:47 am
Location: Barnet, London

Can men and women be friends?

Post by edcat7 » Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:19 pm

Can men and women be friends, especially if one is married?

Having spent the last six months working in Mykonos I was surrounded by beautiful girls. Since I am married I avoided all contact with the waitresses but at the same time I was intensely lonely. Was I right to decline the offer of just " a drink after work"?
Remember Anthony Weller, please help. Contact myself or Aaron Green for details.

User avatar
lagartija
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 10103
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2009 5:37 pm
Location: Western Massachusetts, USA

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by lagartija » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:04 pm

I think it depends on several things. How does your wife view your socializing with other women? Were there no other men around that could join the social group so you would not be alone among the women? Were you the "boss" for any of the women who asked you to join them?
Were they part of your work group?

I spent my entire career working among men and I was often the only woman present. I did go out with the others when on site, but in general I do not drink. My husband was aware that we all went to dinner together, but I was not alone with any individual man, married or not. I went out with my colleagues both male and female, sometimes we were joined by the spouses and sometimes not. Basically, part of work was building a relationship with other members of the team (I am from the US and the project was in Mexico). I was not going out with people I met in the hotel or when not at work; only those with whom I worked. I became good friends with some of them and this did not cause any problems with my husband. Just as I never worried about his behavior when he was on site.

The fact that you mention that you "were surrounded by beautiful girls " makes me wonder if you trusted yourself or not ! Perhaps you made the right choice instinctively.
When the sun shines, bask.
__/^^^^^o>
Classical Guitar forever!

chiral3
Posts: 1698
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2011 7:08 pm
Location: Philadelphia Area, PA / New York.

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by chiral3 » Tue Oct 10, 2017 11:20 pm

Depends on who you ask. Try asking Harvey Weinstein.
物の哀れ

User avatar
robin loops
Posts: 2989
Joined: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:57 am
Location: California

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by robin loops » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:07 am

Friends and acquaintances yes, drinks with them absolutely not. It's not just the fact that alcohol can cloud one's judgement and inhibitions, but the whole activity of having drinks together is very much an informal date. Generally when 'friends' drink together, there are more than two friends. Going out with a few women for some social drinking would probably be okay but I would avoid one on one 'dates' in bars and pubs.

But my (our) opinion(s) don't really matter. What does your wife think? If you don't feel comfortable asking her if she'd mind if you go out and have a drink with a hot waitress, I think you have your answer right there.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.
-James-

User avatar
bear
Posts: 3587
Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:55 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by bear » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:28 am

First, the assumption is that we are talking about straight men and straight women.
I believe that some men can be friends with some women. All men cannot be friends with all women.
I have had women friends that I was not attracted too.I have had platonic relationships with women that I have been attracted too or who were attracted to me but there were some occasions when it felt awkward. My first rule in these situations was to NEVER put myself in a situation where an explanation was necessary.
That means, no social events unless my wife/girlfriend was present. No situations where behavior could come under suspicion. No rides "home", carpools, etc.. Nothing that wouln't be regarded as innocent by your other half. Doors are always open.
2013 Jeff Medlin '37 Hauser 640mm sp
2006 Michele Della Giustina Concert 10 string 650mm ce
2005 Jose Ramirez 4E 650mm ce
2005 Manuel Rodriguez Model C3F 650mm sp
2003 Manuel Rodriguez Model D 650mm ce

Philosopherguy
Posts: 873
Joined: Fri Mar 29, 2013 12:40 am
Location: Niagara, Ontario, Canada

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by Philosopherguy » Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:45 am

What year are we living in here? Of course men and women can be friends!

My advice: don't sleep with your friends(other than your wife) or cheat on your wife and you won't have anything to feel sorry about. You can always have a nice conversation and enjoy the company of another person, even if it is over drinks! Alcohol isn't likely to make your pants fly off unless you really take things to excess.

My opinion...

Martin
*************************************************************
2013 Ramirez 130 Anos - Spruce
2013 Ramirez 4NE - Cedar
1998 Dean Harrington - Spruce
1977 Kuniharu Nobe - Spruce
1971 Yamaha GC3 - Spruce

Laudiesdad69
Posts: 1166
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2016 1:16 pm

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by Laudiesdad69 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:51 am

All of my friends are women. My wife trusts me. They are all her friends too for the most part. We all play guitars. And sometimes we go to the neighborhood pub, and I am always the DD since I don't drink alcohol. I make em buy me cheeseburgers though, and there is really nothing inappropriate about that, except according to my doctor.

User avatar
Hany Hayek
Posts: 90
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2016 8:50 am
Location: Cairo - Egypt

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by Hany Hayek » Wed Oct 11, 2017 7:06 am

bear wrote:
Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:28 am
First, the assumption is that we are talking about straight men and straight women.
I believe that some men can be friends with some women. All men cannot be friends with all women.
I have had women friends that I was not attracted too.I have had platonic relationships with women that I have been attracted too or who were attracted to me but there were some occasions when it felt awkward. My first rule in these situations was to NEVER put myself in a situation where an explanation was necessary.
That means, no social events unless my wife/girlfriend was present. No situations where behavior could come under suspicion. No rides "home", carpools, etc.. Nothing that wouln't be regarded as innocent by your other half. Doors are always open.
:bravo:

User avatar
60moo
Posts: 1806
Joined: Fri Nov 28, 2008 11:35 am
Location: Adelaide, Australia

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by 60moo » Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:04 am

edcat7 wrote:
Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:19 pm
Since I am married I avoided all contact with the waitresses but at the same time I was intensely lonely.
You're married but, I presume for work reasons, you've been separated from your wife for the last 6 months? If so, there's your problem.

You need to live your life together, as man and wife.

edcat7
Posts: 911
Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 3:47 am
Location: Barnet, London

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by edcat7 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:12 am

robin loops wrote:
Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:07 am
Friends and acquaintances yes, drinks with them absolutely not. It's not just the fact that alcohol can cloud one's judgement and inhibitions, but the whole activity of having drinks together is very much an informal date. Generally when 'friends' drink together, there are more than two friends. Going out with a few women for some social drinking would probably be okay but I would avoid one on one 'dates' in bars and pubs.

But my (our) opinion(s) don't really matter. What does your wife think? If you don't feel comfortable asking her if she'd mind if you go out and have a drink with a hot waitress, I think you have your answer right there.
There is a cultural difference between the Greeks and myself (a British born Chinese). Whereas drinking, chatting and then falling asleep (through exhaustion) side by side was considered normal by the locals it did seem strange to us Chinese chefs. None of us wanted the label "he's here to play and not work".

I knew it would be lonely and so brought my guitar, erhu and flutes and was initially scoffed at by the other Chinese, Chinese chefs. Then the loneliness struck them too.

I hate going to the cinema alone and asked a lady friend if she would accompany me. Soon afterwards on reflection I made an excuse not to go.
Remember Anthony Weller, please help. Contact myself or Aaron Green for details.

edcat7
Posts: 911
Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 3:47 am
Location: Barnet, London

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by edcat7 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:18 am

60moo wrote:
Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:04 am
edcat7 wrote:
Tue Oct 10, 2017 10:19 pm
Since I am married I avoided all contact with the waitresses but at the same time I was intensely lonely.
You're married but, I presume for work reasons, you've been separated from your wife for the last 6 months? If so, there's your problem.

You need to live your life together, as man and wife.
I agree. But I've bought everything I've always wanted to buy and have done everything I've always wanted to do ....except become a master chef in dim sum. For that to happen whilst working for this Michelin starred global restaurant company I have no choice but to go where they send me.
Remember Anthony Weller, please help. Contact myself or Aaron Green for details.

User avatar
60moo
Posts: 1806
Joined: Fri Nov 28, 2008 11:35 am
Location: Adelaide, Australia

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by 60moo » Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:29 am

Then you have a very understanding wife! I guess you also have children back home who need Mum to look after them?

User avatar
lagartija
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 10103
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2009 5:37 pm
Location: Western Massachusetts, USA

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by lagartija » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:18 pm

Wait... there were other chefs in the same situation? Why did you not go to the movies with them? Especially since they were lonely, too.

Are you saying that you were all lonely for female company with physical contact and not just missing conversation and socializing?
If so, then I would say you made the right choice in avoiding situations where something might happen for which you would be sorry later.
When the sun shines, bask.
__/^^^^^o>
Classical Guitar forever!

edcat7
Posts: 911
Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 3:47 am
Location: Barnet, London

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by edcat7 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:49 pm

lagartija wrote:
Wed Oct 11, 2017 12:18 pm
Wait... there were other chefs in the same situation? Why did you not go to the movies with them? Especially since they were lonely, too.

Are you saying that you were all lonely for female company with physical contact and not just missing conversation and socializing?
If so, then I would say you made the right choice in avoiding situations where something might happen for which you would be sorry later.
None of the Chinese chefs had the same day off. After work I went to a notorious bar on my sous chef's birthday, where he has a VIP table. Moments later we were surrounded by tipsy girls. It would have been too easy to have been intimate with them but as I felt more and more tipsy myself I excused myself and went home.

But I don't mean situations like that in which I avoid. I meant can a man and a woman have a drink and still be friends?
Remember Anthony Weller, please help. Contact myself or Aaron Green for details.

User avatar
lagartija
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 10103
Joined: Thu Apr 02, 2009 5:37 pm
Location: Western Massachusetts, USA

Re: Can men and women be friends?

Post by lagartija » Wed Oct 11, 2017 1:01 pm

The answer for me is yes, but only if going for coffee (or tea). I never go to a bar for alcoholic drinks alone with a member of the opposite sex.
So when you say "drinks", I am assuming you mean alcoholic drinks. For me, the answer is no on two counts: it looks improper, I would be unable to drive myself home after a drink.

I should mention that the cultural context is that of the US, where bars are not the same as they are in, say, Spain. In Spain, they are less places to pick up members of the opposite sex and more public places to socialize, some including play areas for children as their parents meet with their friends. In Spain, I would go to a bar with a male friend and have tapas, but still would probably not drink alcohol. With my husband, I went to the bars in Spain, had tapas and a glass of wine and enjoyed myself immensely. :-) You see how nuanced the answer can be?
When the sun shines, bask.
__/^^^^^o>
Classical Guitar forever!

Return to “The Café”