joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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Kent
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Kent » Sun Nov 27, 2016 6:36 pm

:okok:

igycrctl
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Re: joke of the day

Post by igycrctl » Mon Nov 28, 2016 5:53 am

How very sexist.

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Contreras
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Contreras » Mon Nov 28, 2016 5:58 am

Ramon Amira wrote:Someone stole all my credit cards a few months ago. But I haven't reported it because the thief is spending less than my wife was . . .
I told that joke at a wedding some years ago ... very ill-advised ... My wife took a long time to forgive me.
Put down the bagpipes ...
... and no one gets hurt.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Jan 14, 2017 5:29 pm

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car yah got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! '
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Jan 14, 2017 5:30 pm

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ Said Keith.
‘Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ ‘Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:07 pm

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the
husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down
the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to
send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
e-mail address and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer
screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: July 19, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are
allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

doug
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Re: joke of the day

Post by doug » Sun Jan 15, 2017 11:31 pm

:lol:
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Vito Simplicio
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Vito Simplicio » Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:46 pm

Speaking of heaven and hell .....

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.


In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
( vitO )===:::

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Takamine C136S (1977)

Classical Guitar Forum

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Vito Simplicio
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Vito Simplicio » Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:49 pm

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
( vitO )===:::

Oberg (2008)
Takamine C136S (1977)

Classical Guitar Forum

Laudiesdad69
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Laudiesdad69 » Thu Jan 19, 2017 7:12 pm

fink23 wrote:What black and smoking and hangs off a valve guitar amp??

Guitar player trying to bias his own amp! :lol:
Truer words have never been said....

Rick Hutt
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Rick Hutt » Fri Jan 20, 2017 3:23 pm

Me: (eating a shepherd's pie) "This is delicious!"
Shepherd: "Hey, that's my pie!"
2010 Pimentel & Sons Concert Grand
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Jan 21, 2017 5:21 pm

PREGNANT AT 61



A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Jan 21, 2017 5:25 pm

The following is an actual question given on a University of Nevada Reno chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

This student received an A+
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sun Jan 22, 2017 3:00 pm

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you look after my dog?"

Being a senior citizen, really sucks!
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

Rick Hutt
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Rick Hutt » Wed Jan 25, 2017 2:59 pm

Not saying Trump's inauguration crowd was small or anything, but I found Waldo in like 6 seconds.
2010 Pimentel & Sons Concert Grand
1970 Taurus (Barcelona)
2009 Ramundi flamenco blanca
1962 Martin 0-16
2000 Martin 000-18
1963 Epiphone 12 Str

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