joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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twang
Posts: 351
Joined: Sat Aug 17, 2013 11:57 am

Re: joke of the day

Post by twang » Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:47 pm

Before I got married, my friend warned me a day would come when my wife would ask me if the dress she was trying on made her look fat. "For God's sake", he said, "if you value your life don't say 'yes'". Well, as my friend predicted, today turned out to be that day. Sure enough, she asked me that very question. "No", I answered, remembering his advice, "it's not the dress".

Does anyone have a basement where I can hide out?
"An amateur is he who takes up the study of an instrument as a relaxation from his serious occupations." -- Sor

Sandaun
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2015 6:45 am
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand

Re: joke of the day

Post by Sandaun » Thu Feb 09, 2017 9:57 am

Tyops heaven:

A and B are two genteel Christian windows, aged 62 and 48 [...] A is semi-retired, having a small job in a local glasshouse.
The Press 30/5/87

One final note - the gremlins got into the last magazine - they managed to disrupt several of our recipes, turning meatballs into alcoholic soup and the brandied beef into a cream-lover's delight ... The Sousoukakia on page 43 should read 1/2 cup of dry white wine, not 7.
In the Kitchen Oct/Nov 1996
"I have supposed that he who buys a Method means to learn it." - Ferdinand Sor, Method for Guitar

Laudiesdad69
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2016 1:16 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by Laudiesdad69 » Sat Feb 11, 2017 7:41 am

I used to assist circumcisions with a certain Pediatrician. One day after the procedure, he said to me"Be sure to save me the foreskin." I asked him, "Save it, what for?

He said...."well it's like this....I get enough of 'em I will sew them into a wallet. And then if you rub it briskly, it should turn into a samsonite suitcase!"

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BugDog
Posts: 1062
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:07 pm
Location: Northern KY USA

Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Mon Feb 13, 2017 4:23 pm

Phyllis Diller-isms

As your beauty
fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't
kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your
house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk
before it stops snowing.

The reason women
don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in
public.

Best way to get
rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a
guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children
to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with
them.

Most children
threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that
keeps some parents going.

Any time three New
Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first
twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the
next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once
asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like
about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I
ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour
lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when
the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs
don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I admit, I have a
tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Tranquilizers work
only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the
waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the
golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're
old if they have discontinued your blood type.
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

Sandaun
Posts: 158
Joined: Thu Sep 03, 2015 6:45 am
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand

Re: joke of the day

Post by Sandaun » Wed Feb 15, 2017 11:05 am

New Zealand bluesman Midge Marsden has a Bo Diddley rectangular guitar. He's very proud of it. This is what he said at a recent gig happened on one gig in Queenstown: a woman sat staring at him for most of the gig (It was at a winery). Finally she mustered up enough courage to come up to him and ask, "Don't you like women?" He was rather non-plussed: he's an ordinary bloke and likes women as much as the next. He said so. She thereupon said, "Your guitar's got no curves. Don't you like women?" This went on for a few minutes until Sam Neill rescued him by waltzing the woman over to her seat and getting her to sit down.

Wine, women, and song! Sometimes it comes out weird.
"I have supposed that he who buys a Method means to learn it." - Ferdinand Sor, Method for Guitar

doug
Posts: 899
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:32 pm
Location: Arapahoe, North Carolina 28510

Re: joke of the day

Post by doug » Fri Mar 03, 2017 1:59 pm

A big Texan was roaming around down in Mexico, and stopped at a restaurant. While waiting for his meal, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the aroma was wonderful. When the waiter came back out he asked, "What is that platter?" The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste. Those are call Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The Texan said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight. If you would like to place an order for tomorrow, you'd better do it now." The Texan placed his order, and returned the next day anxiously awaiting his feast. The meal finally came, and he dug in. After a few bites, the waiter returned and the Texan said, "These are delicious, but they're much smaller than the ones I saw yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
2017 Jason Wolverton spruce/maple, 640, "Luz Blanca"
2016 Kenny Hill New World Estudio 640, C
2015 GV Rubio Estudio 640 SP/PE

Joe de V
Posts: 1853
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2007 12:34 am
Location: Northern California USA

Re: joke of the day

Post by Joe de V » Sat Mar 04, 2017 5:18 pm

There are many words in English that have the exact pronunciation but different meanings.
Two that are at times used in every day vocabulary is "Heel" and "Heal".
Here is one example of that in this brief episode involving a family pet.
There was a very religious family that wanted a pet but were concern about the animal- in this case a Dog - propensity to attacking strangers.
They agreed to get a "christian-oriented" dog. The husband went to the local Animal Shelter seeking for such a dog.
The shelter attendant thought about what was available and directed the Husband to the last cage in the dog kennel area. He told the Husband that the dog was turned in since the owner, a Christian Missionary from a Pentecostal church was transferred by his Home Church to a foreign country and could not take the pet with him.
The husband was happy about the dog christian background and takes him home.
He tells his wife the story about the dog and his wife ask him to show her an example of the dog "christian training"
Husband looks at the dog and says...Rufus, Go get me the Bible on that table...Rufus goes to the table and chooses the bible among other books.
Wonderful ! the wife responds, asking the husband to do another test..
Rufus, open the bible and find the first page of the book of Acts...Rufus does it.
Husband is so surprised and pleased that he tells his wife to call the neighbors and ask them to come and see their newly acquired "christian dog"
The neighbors arrive and the husband goes thru the same routine and the dog again does the same.

The neighbor's husband ask that is very nice but can this dog perform any standard dog tricks? Yes he is a dog let him do a simple trick...
The Husband says: Rufus "Heel" and Rufus jumps on the couch where the husband is seating and places his right paw on top of his owner's head.

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Erik Zurcher
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Erik Zurcher » Tue Mar 07, 2017 7:59 am

segovia.jpg
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Reedition Domingo Esteso by Conde Hermanos 2004; Kenny Hill, model Barcelona 2001
"While you try to master classical guitar, prepare for a slave's life: the guitar will forever be your master and you its slave".

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BugDog
Posts: 1062
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2007 4:07 pm
Location: Northern KY USA

Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Tue Mar 07, 2017 6:05 pm

Would of liked to see that concert!

:lol:
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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Vito Simplicio
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Composer & Moderator
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Location: Maricopa, Arizona - USA

Re: joke of the day

Post by Vito Simplicio » Thu Mar 09, 2017 1:49 pm

Oh yeah, I remember this concert. He opened for Jimi Hendrix.
( vitO )===:::

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BugDog
Posts: 1062
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Location: Northern KY USA

Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:16 pm

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck, wherever I go, Chuck goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent "we can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . .
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge?

"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge.."at our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn...!"
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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Isabelle Frizac
Teacher
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Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:28 am
Location: France ( région parisienne)

Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:45 pm

:lol: very funny !

I have translated it and posted on the french forum !

:merci:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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rikart
Posts: 73
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 6:52 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by rikart » Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:37 pm

"When I told them that I was going to become a comedian they laughed. Well, they're not laughing now!"
Bob Monkhouse, comedian.
rikart /warwick harte

chiral3
Posts: 1699
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2011 7:08 pm
Location: Philadelphia Area, PA / New York.

Re: joke of the day

Post by chiral3 » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:31 pm

Image
物の哀れ

SteveL123
Posts: 370
Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2017 5:05 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by SteveL123 » Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:56 pm

Turn the voice recorder app on your smart phone to record and say out loud "I am young and foolish yet" 10 times as fast as you can. Play it back for some fun!

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