joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
doug
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Re: joke of the day

Post by doug » Tue Mar 28, 2017 11:10 am

Two fish are swimming along and run into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and say's, "Dam!"
2017 Jason Wolverton spruce/maple, 640, "Luz Blanca"
2016 Kenny Hill New World Estudio 640, C
2015 GV Rubio Estudio 640 SP/PE

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chuckinphoenix
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Re: joke of the day

Post by chuckinphoenix » Tue Mar 28, 2017 3:46 pm

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.


There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.


Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. "


Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!! "
If you ain't the lead dog the scenery never changes.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sun Apr 16, 2017 11:26 pm

Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.

So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.

Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.


Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked Evelyn.


'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement!'
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

montana
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Re: joke of the day

Post by montana » Mon Apr 17, 2017 5:16 am

A part of me says..quit drinking before it's too late. The other part says..don't listen to him, he's drunk.

Joe de V
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Joe de V » Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:17 pm

This is one involving Ranchers...A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up to him and said...
"We got a tip that your are growing illegl drug on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?
The Rancher replied, my business is livestock cattle "that's fine, but you shouldn't go over there" as he pointed to one of the shed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, "I am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his FBI badge and shoved it into the ranchers face....The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores.
About 15 minutes later he hear a loud scream from the field he had pointed earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent running for his life with a very large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled...
"YOUR BADGE! ...SHOW YOUR BADGE TO THE BULL!

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Erik Zurcher
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Erik Zurcher » Thu May 18, 2017 9:04 am

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a leccture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The Man, "That would be my wife"
Reedition Domingo Esteso by Conde Hermanos 2004; Kenny Hill, model Barcelona 2001
"While you try to master classical guitar, prepare for a slave's life: the guitar will forever be your master and you its slave".

Sandaun
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Location: Tauranga, New Zealand

Re: joke of the day

Post by Sandaun » Sat May 27, 2017 8:50 am

A zoo keeper sees a chimpanzee sitting studying two books attentively, one held in either hand. Looking more closely, he sees that one is the Bible, the other is Darwin's Origin of the Species.

"What's with the two books?" he asks.

The chimp answers, "I'm trying to figure out whether I'm my brother's keeper - or my keeper's brother."

(I found this. I wish I'd made it up! :)
"I have supposed that he who buys a Method means to learn it." - Ferdinand Sor, Method for Guitar

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Erik Zurcher
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Erik Zurcher » Sat May 27, 2017 11:52 am

I used to be real doubter, now I am not so sure anymore.
Reedition Domingo Esteso by Conde Hermanos 2004; Kenny Hill, model Barcelona 2001
"While you try to master classical guitar, prepare for a slave's life: the guitar will forever be your master and you its slave".

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Jun 15, 2017 5:01 pm

1 By The Cynical Philosopher...

2. Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

3. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

4. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

5. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

6. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

7. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

8. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

9. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

10. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote.

11. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

12. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

13. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

14. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

15. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is "good-bye".

16. You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

17. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

18. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

19. I cannot understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

20. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

21. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

22. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

23. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

24. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

25. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

26. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

27. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

28. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Jun 15, 2017 5:03 pm

Longest Password Ever

During an Information Technology Department audit of employee passwords to make sure that employees were following company password guidelines, they discovered that a young, blonde executive assistant was using the following password:

mickeyminnieplutodonaldhueydeweylouiegoofysacramento

When asked why she was using such a long password, she replied, “Someone told me that it had to have at least eight characters and at least one capital.”
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Tue Jun 27, 2017 12:54 am

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
“Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?”
BugDog
There's one in every crowd.

Jon
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Jon » Sat Jul 01, 2017 9:02 pm

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''
The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

quavers
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Re: joke of the day

Post by quavers » Tue Jul 04, 2017 3:47 pm

Vesuvio wrote:
Sun Jan 20, 2008 7:45 am
Tubbers wrote:Q: What's grey?
A: A melted penguin.
:grire: Gruesome but hilarious!

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

With apologies to all our banjo players, V :wink:
Banjo players wear shoes?

Gary Macleod
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Location: Edinburgh

Re: joke of the day

Post by Gary Macleod » Tue Jul 04, 2017 4:26 pm

Q. How does a male elephant find a female elephant in long grass ?

A. Very enjoyable

Laudiesdad69
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Laudiesdad69 » Wed Jul 05, 2017 1:16 am

quavers wrote:
Tue Jul 04, 2017 3:47 pm
Vesuvio wrote:
Sun Jan 20, 2008 7:45 am
Tubbers wrote:Q: What's grey?
A: A melted penguin.
:grire: Gruesome but hilarious!

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

With apologies to all our banjo players, V :wink:
Banjo players wear shoes?
🚴🏻‍♀️👍🏻

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