joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
Jon
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Jon » Wed Jul 05, 2017 6:14 pm

"Banjo players wear shoes? " This made a good joke even better!

Tubbers
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Tubbers » Thu Jul 06, 2017 10:02 pm

'English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England!'------Homer Simpson
Help!

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Andrew Fryer
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Fryer » Fri Jul 07, 2017 4:48 pm

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes painted on their sides?

So that when they return to port they can Scandinavian.
1975 Calatayud y Gisbert, Yamaha CG131S.

Laudiesdad69
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Laudiesdad69 » Mon Jul 10, 2017 6:14 pm

Old guitar players never die, they just lose the tension in their G strings.

Sandaun
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Sandaun » Tue Jul 11, 2017 10:42 am

In the previous millennium a politician went to another country and met with his counterpart. As they were talking the first politician asked, "How do you tell which are the intelligent people, so you can get them to join your party and help you win votes?"

"Easy," said the second politician, "I pose them a riddle: Brothers and sisters, I have none. But that man's father is my father's son. Who is that man's father?"

"Oh," said the first one. "Who is he then?"

"It's me. If you're the one saying it, it's you."

So the first politician goes home, and tries it out on someone in his party, a Mr Peters who promptly replies, "That's easy. It's me"

So the first politician goes off, smug as a bug in a rug, and asks the riddle of the next two members of his party. Neither of them can follow the riddle, and finally ask in desperation, "Well,who is it then?"

"It's Mr Peters," the first politician says, triumphantly. "It was him all along!"
"I have supposed that he who buys a Method means to learn it." - Ferdinand Sor, Method for Guitar

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Aug 12, 2017 2:39 pm

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist for the Miami Herald.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. A few days later, in his
office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but
I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a productcalled 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
BugDog
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Mon Sep 04, 2017 8:36 pm

The Cuckoo Clock

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married


If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?

I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem ****** off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one !

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

When I asked him why, he said:

'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its Throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
BugDog
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Andrew Fryer
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Fryer » Wed Sep 06, 2017 3:54 pm

I've put this in two places, so apologies.

Walking down the road, Peter meets his friend Paul giving a woman a piggy-back.
Peter asks what's going on.
Paul replies "Nothing bad - we're off to a fancy-dress party. I'm going as a tortoise."
Peter asks, what's with the woman on your back?
Paul replies, "That's Michelle"

========================================================================================================

Man goes into a pub and says "Do you want to hear a joke about an accountant?"
The man responds, "look, I'm 17 stone and 6' tall and I'm an accountant. And this man I'm talking to is my work colleague at the accountancy firm, and he's 19 stone and 6'6". Now, are you really sure you want to tell us this joke about accountancy?"
The man responds, "No, forget it, I don't want to have to explain it twice."
1975 Calatayud y Gisbert, Yamaha CG131S.

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Fri Sep 08, 2017 3:30 pm

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are..'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
BugDog
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Mon Oct 09, 2017 4:36 am

doug wrote:
Tue Mar 28, 2017 11:10 am
Two fish are swimming along and run into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and say's, "Dam!"
Love this joke...my old junior high spec. ed kids would get it the first time.
Thanks,
David :casque:
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Andrew Fryer
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Fryer » Mon Oct 09, 2017 8:48 am

I asked my doctor for an arse transplant.

He gave me a swift rebuttal.
1975 Calatayud y Gisbert, Yamaha CG131S.

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Tue Oct 10, 2017 6:28 am

BugDog wrote:
Sat Jan 21, 2017 5:21 pm
PREGNANT AT 61



A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Love this joke...my wife is having some medical issues and will tell it to her tomorrow...should definitely cheer her up.
Thanks,
David :casque:
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Carrillo Grand Concert '02
Yulong Guo Chamber '17
Bozo 135 '70
Washburn Rover R020
Paulino Bernabe 10 '12
Jose Ramirez 125 '10
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Tue Oct 10, 2017 6:56 am

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!
:casque:
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Carrillo Grand Concert '02
Yulong Guo Chamber '17
Bozo 135 '70
Washburn Rover R020
Paulino Bernabe 10 '12
Jose Ramirez 125 '10
Hernandes '73
Lake #1 '72

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:13 am

Linda wrote:
Thu Jul 28, 2016 8:23 pm
Here is a very corny one for ya'......A salesman and a doctor were both in love with the same girl. The salesman had to go out of town for a week, so he gave the girl seven apples. WHY?

Like this joke...thanks. :casque:







Because....an apple a day, keeps the doctor away.

linea
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Carrillo Grand Concert '02
Yulong Guo Chamber '17
Bozo 135 '70
Washburn Rover R020
Paulino Bernabe 10 '12
Jose Ramirez 125 '10
Hernandes '73
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:13 am

dgutowski wrote:
Wed Oct 11, 2017 6:13 am
Linda wrote:
Thu Jul 28, 2016 8:23 pm
Here is a very corny one for ya'......A salesman and a doctor were both in love with the same girl. The salesman had to go out of town for a week, so he gave the girl seven apples. WHY?








Because....an apple a day, keeps the doctor away.

linea
Like this joke...thanks. :casque:
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Carrillo Grand Concert '02
Yulong Guo Chamber '17
Bozo 135 '70
Washburn Rover R020
Paulino Bernabe 10 '12
Jose Ramirez 125 '10
Hernandes '73
Lake #1 '72

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