joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:31 am

I've been married for 49 years so I'm telling this joke in honor of my long suffering wife-no, I mean very happy wife.

There was this guy walking along a beach and his head was hanging a little low because he wanted to take his wife on vacation to Hawaii but she hates to fly and so the vacation is on hold. Well, he's walking along the beach kicking his feet in the sand, and notices this strange looking bottle buried in the sand. He digs it out and it's a very old antique vase type container the likes of which he's never seen before. He starts brushing off the sand and low-and-behold, you guessed it, a genie pops out of the jar. Well, the genie is so happy to be out of his jar he says: "I'm so happy to be out of my jar, I'll grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a minute and the light bulb goes off and so he says to the genie: "Can you make me a highway from the California coast to Hawaii so I can drive my wife for a vacation, she hates to fly."

The genie scratches his head and you could see he was in deep thought. He finally says to the man: "You've asked for an impossible task. Even a genie can't grant such an wish. You'd have to make pontoons and pontoon anchors and cables and the ocean is so deep in places and you have to consider the tides and winds-it's just too difficult to do. There's no way I can grant you this wish."

The man was even more discouraged but he figured if the genie was up to granting a wish he would ask for something else.

So, he says to the genie:" Okay then, would you please tell me, once and for all, how to understand a women? I want to know everything there is to know about a women. What motivates them, why they think and react the way they do, what their moods are like-just everything I need to know to help me understand them."

The genies reply: "Did you want a two lane or four lane highway?"

David V. :casque:
Last edited by David Gutowski on Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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mrdarcy
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Re: joke of the day

Post by mrdarcy » Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:22 am

How can one become a great classical guitarist?

Just pratice till you're Sor.

/ sorry

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ameriken
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Re: joke of the day

Post by ameriken » Mon Dec 11, 2017 7:20 pm

mrdarcy wrote:
Mon Dec 11, 2017 10:22 am
How can one become a great classical guitarist?

Just pratice till you're Sor.

/ sorry
Haha, that was good! :lol:
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:53 am

doug wrote:
Wed Dec 06, 2017 2:00 pm
Three preachers.....a Baptist, a Hindu, and a television evangelist......were riding in a car, when the car broke down. They walked to a nearby farm house and asked if they could spend the night. "I've only got room for two of you in the house, so one of you'll have to sleep in the barn," the farmer said. The Baptist volunteered, and went to the barn. About ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. The farmer opened it, and the Baptist preacher said, "I can't sleep out there! There's a hog in the barn." The Hindu priest said, "I'll go." Ten minutes later he was back, saying, "There's a cow in the barn. You know how we are about cows. I can't sleep out there." The TV evangelist agreed to try the barn. Ten minutes later there was another knock on the door. The farmer opened it, and there stood the hog and the cow.
good joke...thanks :lol:
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Carrillo Grand Concert '02
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Tue Dec 12, 2017 6:46 am

BugDog wrote:
Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:17 pm
Ole and Sven were fishing on the Hinkley opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy
Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill
you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million
bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
So this guy goes into a bar and as he's walking up to the counter, he notices a piano player that's just playing away on this really small piano. He doesn't have any trouble playing it because the piano player is only about a foot tall. The man thought it a little strange but since it was a bar he didn't give it a second thought.

He made it up to the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender came over and gave him his drink and as he was drinking he noticed this beautiful ornate bottle the likes of which he never saw before. He asked the bartender about the jar and the bartender said it was his old, antique genie jar where his genie lived. Well, they got to talking and after a while the man asked if he could ask the genie for a wish. The bartender said: " Why, you sure can." So the bartender gives the man the jar with the genie inside and the man takes it outside.

He gets outside and starts rubbing the jar and out pops this bespeckled old genie. The genie says: "Wow! Thanks for getting me out of the jar! I'll grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a while and decides to ask the genie for a million bucks. He figures with a million dollars he can buy anything he wants. So he asks the genie for just that. He says to the genie: "I would like to have a million bucks." The genie does his magic thing for the man, grants him his wish then goes back in his jar.

Pretty soon the sky turns black with squawking flying ducks. There's about a million of them; they're everywhere, landing on the roof tops, in the trees on the road. The man goes back in the bar and starts hollering at the bartender and tells him he wished for a million bucks and his crazy old genie must be hard of hearing or something because all he got was a million ducks.

The bartender shakes his head sadly and says: "Well, do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist."

David V. :casque:
Last edited by David Gutowski on Thu Dec 14, 2017 7:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Carrillo Grand Concert '02
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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:32 pm

The magic frog


It is a man who has a sex of 50 cm but he finds it too long.

He decides to talk to a friend. This one answers to him to go to see the magic frog of the forest because as soon as this one says "no", something narrowed on itself.

He leaves in the forest and finds a frog:

- You're the magic frog.
- YES.
- Magic frog, will you marry me?
- NO

And hop, less 10 cm. But 40 cm is still too much. The man goes back to see the frog.
- Magic frog, will you marry me?
- NO !

And hop less 10 cm. But 30 is still too much, he decides to go back one last time:
- Magic frog, will you marry me?
- NO, AND WHEN I SAY NO, IT'S NO !!!!!!!

:mrgreen:
keep hope !
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Thu Dec 14, 2017 6:37 am

To make a long story short (but not as short as the unfortunate man's encounter with the magic frog) the genie, after a great effort and many trials and tribulations, finally finished building the highway to Hawaii for the man. The man packed up his genie and his Hawaiian shirts and his loving, very pleased wife and drove on the new highway to the islands for his long overdue vacation.

On the third day of his wonderful vacation, the man ate some tainted shellfish mixed with spinach dip and died. His wife made all the arrangements then packed up her things and the genie and drove back home.

She never remarried and spent many nights talking to the old genie. She tried to explain to the genie all the things he had to know to understand a women but the genie just kept dozing off. The years went by and the women soon joined her husband.

The women's family came by and packed up all her belongs, sold some and gave some away. They thought the bottle the genie lived in was valuable so they took it to a pawn shop and sold it right off. They didn't have any reason to rub it so the genie never came out of his bottle.

One day, a bartender visited the pawn shop and marveled how beautiful the genie jar was and how nice it would look behind his bar. So, he purchased it and put the jar behind his bar. While he was cleaning it, out popped the genie. The old genie said he would grant him a wish because he got him out of the jar. The bartender, after playing in the woods with a magic frog, needed something. He, of course, didn't get what he wanted and was very disappointed and said to himself he would never ask the genie for another wish.

But he understood the genie was going old and deaf so he kept it around to play jokes on some of his customers. One of his customers got so mad at him he threatened to shove the genie jar up where the sun don't shine. This really shook up the bartender so he decided to get rid of it. He went down to the local pier and threw it into the water and watched as it sank to the bottom.

Now, the legend goes that genies never, ever leave the earth; they just keep getting older and older and are always with us. People find them all the time. Just the other day, a classical guitarist was seen rubbing and cleaning off a genie jar he found on the beach. He was overheard mumbling something about a Smallman guitar just before a seagull swooped down and ate him.

(I tell my grandkids long stories at night to put them to sleep-always does the trick. I should start recording them, maybe I'll make a million bucks.)

Best wishes,
David V. :casque:
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

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ameriken
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Re: joke of the day

Post by ameriken » Thu Dec 14, 2017 4:53 pm

.

Children's books that never made it to publishing...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book
6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
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ameriken
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Re: joke of the day

Post by ameriken » Thu Dec 14, 2017 10:20 pm

.

A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.



This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table. I stop to go through the
mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

I put the bills back on the table so I can take out the
trash first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going
to look for my checks, but first I need to move the Coke can so that I
don’t accidentally knock it over.

Well, since the Coke is starting to get warm, and I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye– they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading
glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we watch TV, we will be looking for
the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so
I'll have to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the
flowers before I forget.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was going to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t
really watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really exhausted. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ve got to check my e-mail.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming! And if I have
already posted this before….well, now you know why you’re seeing it again.
Amalio Burguet 1A Spruce
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dng
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Re: joke of the day

Post by dng » Fri Dec 15, 2017 7:42 pm

it's cold ! ! !

- hi honey... my car doesn't start... there's a weird icon on the dash...
- may be it's too cold... what the icon looks like? send it to me...
- it looks like a guy on a toilet bowl.. sending now...


icon.jpg

from the French forum
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"Nothing is more beautiful than a guitar, save perhaps two.”
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sat Dec 16, 2017 6:56 am

ameriken wrote:
Thu Dec 14, 2017 10:20 pm
.

A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.



This is how is manifests itself:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice
that there is mail on the hall table. I stop to go through the
mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash
can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

I put the bills back on the table so I can take out the
trash first, but then I think that since I’m going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills
first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going
to look for my checks, but first I need to move the Coke can so that I
don’t accidentally knock it over.

Well, since the Coke is starting to get warm, and I should put it in the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye– they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading
glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I’d better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water,
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we watch TV, we will be looking for
the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so
I'll have to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the
flowers before I forget.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was going to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t
really watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook,

I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember
what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really exhausted. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ve got to check my e-mail.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming! And if I have
already posted this before….well, now you know why you’re seeing it again.
I don't think the younger members of the forum appreciate this joke as much as us older folks...because it's like reality for us! Good, loved it!
David V. :casque:
3 hard things for humans to do: dentist visit, public speaking, offering forgiveness.

Carrillo Grand Concert '02
Yulong Guo Chamber '17
Bozo 135 '70
Washburn Rover R020
Paulino Bernabe 10 '12
Jose Ramirez 125 '10
Hernandes '73
Lake #1 '72

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Erik Zurcher
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Erik Zurcher » Fri Jan 12, 2018 11:06 pm

Singer: "Have you noticed how my voice filled the music hall?"

Friend: "Yes, I even saw a few people leave to make more room!"
许理和·海牙·荷兰 Reedition Domingo Esteso by Conde Hermanos 2004; Kenny Hill, model Barcelona 2001
"While you try to master classical guitar, prepare for a slave's life: the guitar will forever be your master and you its slave".

ddray
Posts: 494
Joined: Sun Apr 23, 2017 3:10 pm

Re: joke of the day

Post by ddray » Fri Jan 12, 2018 11:33 pm

...
Last edited by ddray on Sat Jan 13, 2018 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ddray
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Re: joke of the day

Post by ddray » Fri Jan 12, 2018 11:56 pm

...

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