joke of the day

[solidtop]

Everyone likes a good laugh every now and then what's your favorite joke? Lets spread some happiness.
There was a family of balloons. Daddy balloon, Mummy balloon and Baby balloon. They all used too sleep in the same bed but Baby balloon was getting too big so one day Daddy balloon bought Baby balloon his own bed. "Son, your mother and I have decided that your big enough to sleep in your own bed", Daddy balloon said. Baby balloon didn't like the idea of being on his own so put up a bit of a fight. After much discussion it was decided that Baby balloon would now be sleeping in his own bed.
That night Baby balloon got scared so crept into his parents bed. He tried to squeeze in between them but couldn't fit so he let a bit of air out of his Father. Still there wasn't enough room. Hisssss, he let a bit of air out of his Mother, still not enough room. Hisssss, he let some air out of himself. Just enough room
The next morning his Father was furious. " Son, how could you? After all we talked about, it's so disappointing. You've let me down, youv'e let your Mother down and not only that, youv'e even let yourself down.
Now that's a true story, honest.

[astaroth]

u lost me there

[cutnstuf]

Q: How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They won't touch anything electric.

Q: How do you make a banjo players car more aerodynamic?

A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

Q: How do you know it's a singer at the door?

A: He doesn't know when to come in.

[Tubbers]

Q: What's grey?
A: A melted penguin.

[Vesuvio]

Q: What's grey?
A: A melted penguin.

Gruesome but hilarious!

What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline!

With apologies to all our banjo players, V

[GeoffB]

A young Scot went off to university in England and was visited by his mother at the weekend.
Mother: "So how are your English neighbours in the uni apartments, son?"
Son: "Totally crazy! The one on the left side bangs his head against the wall all night long and the one on the right side screams like a lunatic all night long!"
Mother: "You poor boy.... How do you deal with that, son?"
Son: "I ignore them, mother, and just carry on playing my bagpipes."

(No offence to my Northern brethren, I love the skirl of the pipes really! )

Geoff

[GeoffB]

OK, one for any linguists out there:

Q. What do you call Santa's helpers?

A. Subordinate clauses.

Geoff

[Michael]

Q: What's grey?
A: A melted penguin.

Gruesome but hilarious!

Another gruesome one...

Q. What is green and goes red at a touch of a button?

A. A frog in a liquidiser.

[Vesuvio]

A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "But I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze electric guitar player."

V

[eales]

Don't let anyone tell me how sensitive Cg ists are...

[GeoffB]

Might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb, I suppose, so, while we're being rude about other instruments, here's a couple more I saw on a newsgroup once:

What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?

No one cries when you chop up an accordion.

A friend of mine was in downtown D.C. last week and he double-parked his car to run out really quick (to mail a letter) and then jump back in. Well, he had a brand new accordion sitting on his back seat, and of course he left his car doors unlocked. Well you know what he found when he got back to his car don't you? That's right; there were 4 more accordions in the back.

Geoff

[johnnyboy]

An oldie but a goodie...


A couple of centuries ago in Italy the church needed a bell ringer and the word was spread far and wide. One day the bell at the entrance rang and the priest answered to find a man standing at the door with no arms. The priest asked if he could be of assistance. The man said he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

Somewhat taken back, the priest said, “my son, I do not mean to offend, but how would you ring the bell with no arms?” The young man replied, “Father, I was able to pull the rope to ring the doorbell.”

The priest thought for a moment and being impressed said that he would consider hiring him but that first he wanted to give him a trial at ringing the bell, so up to the tower they went.

Once in the tower the young man backed up a bit and ran forward hitting the bell with his head and the bell rang. He backed up and hit it again with his head but this time he glanced off the bell, fell to his side and out the tower window to the road below.

Aghast, the priest ran down the stairs to where the young man fell. When he finally got there a small crowd began to gather. The priest asked the people there if anyone knew the young man to which one person replied, “I don’t know, father, but his face rings a bell.”

Several days later the doorbell to the church rang and the same priest answered the door. This time he was met with a strapping young man. The priest asked him if he could be of assistance. The young man stated he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The priest said they were putting off hiring someone for a while because of the horrible accident that had occurred a few days prior.

The young man said he was aware of what happened, that the man that was killed was his brother and he was there to honor him.

Deeply moved, the priest said he would hire him and led him up to the bell tower. The young man asked if could ring the bell. With the priests approval he grabbed the rope and began ringing the bell. On the third pull he stumbled, his hands came free. and the young man fell out a tower window to the road below.

Horrified, the priest sprinted down the stairs to the body and the gathering crowd below where someone asked the priest who the dead youth was. The priest replied, “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

jOHN

[Michael]

Aghast, the priest ran down the stairs to where the young man fell. When he finally got there a small crowd began to gather. The priest asked the people there if anyone knew the young man to which one person replied, “I don’t know, father, but his face rings a bell.”

[BugDog]

This is sure to get me in trouble. It's a Maxine joke.

"If a woman keeps hearing a man whine about how she's smothering him it's because she's not pushing down on the pillow hard enough."

[Vesuvio]

A man walks into a pet store to buy a parrot.

The assistant shows him two beautiful birds. "This one's £5,000 and the other is £10,000," says the assistant.

"Wow! What does the £5,000 one do?" asks the customer

"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote," the assistant replies.

"And the other?" says the customer.

"That one can sing Wagner's entire Ring Cycle. There's another one in the back room for £30,000."

"What does that one do?"

"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

All the best, V