joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
Andrew Pohlman
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Pohlman » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:24 pm

Okay - here are some terrible Halloween jokes:

Q: What do ghosts eat for supper?
A: Spooketi

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it’s Halloween!!

Q: What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn’t have any guts!

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
A: Because he had no BODY to go with.

Q: What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?
A: “Trike or Treat”?

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.

Q: What room does a ghost not need?
A: A living room!

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!

Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?
A: His “ghoul” friend!

Q: Why is Superman’s costume so tight?
A: Because he wears a size “S”.

Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
A: Shamboo!

Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!

Q: What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A: A sandwich!

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A nectarine!
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Andrew Fryer
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Fryer » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:27 pm

Hmm, I assume nectarine is American for blood orange!
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Thu Nov 02, 2017 2:48 am

Not exactly. It's more like a bald peach. No fuzz. Other than that, it's so much like a peach it's nearly indistinguishable.
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JohnH
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Re: joke of the day

Post by JohnH » Thu Nov 02, 2017 3:28 am

There were three male opera singers that got together. One was a bass, the second one was a tenor, and the third man was a soprano.

Bass (with a deep voice): Let's go streaking.

Tenor (with a higher voice): Sounds like a plan.

Soprano (with a high voice): I can't. I don't have the balls to do it.

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John Fuary
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Re: joke of the day

Post by John Fuary » Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:33 pm

Andrew Fryer wrote:
Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:27 pm
Hmm, I assume nectarine is American for blood orange!
I think the joke was a pun (NECKtarine) Vampires going for the neck etc
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Andrew Fryer
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Fryer » Thu Nov 09, 2017 11:39 pm

John Fuary wrote:
Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:33 pm
Andrew Fryer wrote:
Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:27 pm
Hmm, I assume nectarine is American for blood orange!
I think the joke was a pun (NECKtarine) Vampires going for the neck etc
Ah!
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Andrew Pohlman
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Pohlman » Fri Nov 17, 2017 8:51 pm

Okay guys - here are a bunch of horrible Thanksgiving and turkey jokes:

Q: What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an ghost?
A: A poultrygeist!

Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected fowl play.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
A: To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

Q: What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: What key won’t open any door?
A: A turkey!

Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
A: If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy

Q: What kind of weather does a turkey like?
A: Fowl weather!

Q: What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot.

Q: If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?
A: Goblet.

Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he’s already stuffed!

Q: What’s the most musical part of a turkey?
A: The drumstick.

If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you have a marvelous feast !
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Wed Nov 22, 2017 4:44 pm

Grandfathers know everything!!!!

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken back, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse .’

‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And mom wants to talk to you.
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doug
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Re: joke of the day

Post by doug » Wed Dec 06, 2017 2:00 pm

Three preachers.....a Baptist, a Hindu, and a television evangelist......were riding in a car, when the car broke down. They walked to a nearby farm house and asked if they could spend the night. "I've only got room for two of you in the house, so one of you'll have to sleep in the barn," the farmer said. The Baptist volunteered, and went to the barn. About ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. The farmer opened it, and the Baptist preacher said, "I can't sleep out there! There's a hog in the barn." The Hindu priest said, "I'll go." Ten minutes later he was back, saying, "There's a cow in the barn. You know how we are about cows. I can't sleep out there." The TV evangelist agreed to try the barn. Ten minutes later there was another knock on the door. The farmer opened it, and there stood the hog and the cow.
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Re: joke of the day

Post by ameriken » Wed Dec 06, 2017 4:37 pm

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright.
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Scott Phillips
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Scott Phillips » Thu Dec 07, 2017 2:46 am

Why doesnt Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands!

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Fri Dec 08, 2017 6:42 am

Laudiesdad69 wrote:
Thu Dec 07, 2017 2:46 am
Why doesnt Jesus eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands!
That reminds me: There were three men out in a boat fishing, having a few drinks and enjoying the day and they saw a man walking down the bank towards the lake. The man kept walking over the water towards their boat and climbed right in. He went up to the first fisherman and asked him if he knew who he was. This fisherman had chronic back pain all his life. The fisherman said:" Yes, I know who you are, you must be the Lord because only the Lord can walk on water." The man said that's right and he touched the fisherman's back and he was instantly cured. The man went up to the next fisherman and asked him if he knew who he was and the fisherman said:" You must be Jesus because you cured my friend and now I don't have to listen to him complain anymore." And Jesus touched his bad ankle and he was cured. The man went up to the last fisherman in the boat and asked him the same question and the fisherman said: "I know who you are Lord, but please don't touch me, I'm on total disability."

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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:12 pm

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house.... walked home... and left it there all night.
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BugDog
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Re: joke of the day

Post by BugDog » Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:17 pm

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Hinkley opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy
Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill
you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million
bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
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Catire
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Catire » Sat Dec 09, 2017 11:42 pm

What does the mother vampire say to her kids? -"Eat your soup before it coagulates."
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