joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:11 am

That's pretty good...I got it. And it's easier to figure out then the corkage joke, which I finally got. Can I explain the picture? (some members might not get it)
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Andrew Fryer
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Fryer » Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:25 am

David Gutowski wrote:
Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:11 am
Can I explain the picture? (some members might not get it)
Probably best to wait for them to ask.
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Laudiesdad69
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Laudiesdad69 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:27 am

dng wrote:
Fri Dec 15, 2017 7:42 pm
it's cold ! ! !

- hi honey... my car doesn't start... there's a weird icon on the dash...
- may be it's too cold... what the icon looks like? send it to me...
- it looks like a guy on a toilet bowl.. sending now...



icon.jpg


from the French forum
I guess your car just crapped out🤣

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Tue Jan 30, 2018 3:27 am

Andrew Fryer wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 2:18 pm
Pat Dodson wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 1:33 pm
David Gutowski wrote:
Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:00 am
I'm going to have to think about it some more. You got it? I'm probably thinking about it too realistically.
You need to think about it more metaphorically David. Even then it’s not particularly funny.
Well, it was a punchline without any context. For that reason I ought not to have bothered.
I got it...I guess if you put it in context with a standup comic routine with other similar jokes it works. I'm a little disappointed in myself for spending time thinking about it, I just didn't get it...maybe I was off my meds, so to speak. I'm returning the favor. I'm not sure where I heard this joke and hope it's not one of yours or if I read it on the forum, but I did tell it to my therapist and didn't tell him the solution until the next monthly session. When I told him, he looked at me like it either was the stupidest joke he's heard or disappointed in himself for not figuring it out sooner. Interestingly enough, I didn't have to go to therapy anymore. (it probably didn't have anything to do with the joke, however)

This guy goes into a bar with his pet woodpecker on his shoulder.
He walks up to the bar and the woodpecker jumps off on to the bar, looks around the bar, and asks: "Where's the bartender?"

And that's the complete joke...good luck figuring it out!

(It's not the woodpecker talking...in joke land animals can talk)
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Pat Foster
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Pat Foster » Tue Jan 30, 2018 5:13 am

Bumper sticker:

Tar Wars

Pat Dodson
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Pat Dodson » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:20 pm

“bartender”

Got it David :D Did take a minute though. :)

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Re: joke of the day

Post by Pat Dodson » Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:30 pm

Apologies if this has appeared before but I couldn’t find it via a search.

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed
away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed at the parrot. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird several times methodically from top to bottom . The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"

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Re: joke of the day

Post by simonm » Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:06 pm

@Pat … love it. Never across it before. :lol:

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Wed Jan 31, 2018 4:32 am

Pat Dodson wrote:
Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:20 pm
“bartender”

Got it David :D Did take a minute though. :)
I'm glad you got it...you would be amazed at how many people do not get it...put it to the test, tell it to your friends-see how many people figure it out; the art of misdirection. :D
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doug
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Re: joke of the day

Post by doug » Wed Jan 31, 2018 6:16 pm

A 75 year old man was having a beer in a Chicago bar, when a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. She is so attractive that he just can't his eyes off of her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and she gets up and approaches him. Before he can apologize for staring, she looks him in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone, "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams! It doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game! It will cost you $100, and there's only one condition." Completely stunned, the mans asks her what the condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in only three words," she answers. He takes a moment to consider her offer, then whips out his wallet and puts five $20 bills in her hand. He looks her square in the eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."
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Pat Foster
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Pat Foster » Thu Feb 01, 2018 2:19 am

Two salesman were driving on a dark country road in the middle of the night when their car broke down. They pulled over and tried to get the car started again, but to no avail. Then they noticed a light off in the distance at a farm house, so one of them volunteered to to go for help. A few minutes later, he returned, with a long face. The other salesman asked, "Why the long face? What's the matter?" "Well," he replied sadly, "I guess we'll have to try the next farm house. That farmer said, 'Sorry, I'd like to help you boys, but I don't have any daughters.'"

Heard this from Tom Waits at the San Diego Folk Festival around, around 1972. :sage:

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Feb 02, 2018 7:39 am

Today we will not have a general increase in our wages.

On the other hand, our union made the forcing on another negotiation: the increase of the thickness of the toilet paper. And he got it.
keep hope !
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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:46 am

Isabelle Frizac wrote:
Fri Feb 02, 2018 7:39 am
Today we will not have a general increase in our wages.

On the other hand, our union made the forcing on another negotiation: the increase of the thickness of the toilet paper. And he got it.
Speaking of toilet paper, and please stop me if you've heard this one.

There were three moles living in a field next to a restaurant.
A mama mole, a daddy mole and a baby mole.

The daddy mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said: "I smell pancakes."
The mama mole stuck her head out and said: "I smell bacon."

The baby mole said: "I don't smell nothing but moleasses because you're blocking the hole."
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fretter
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Re: joke of the day

Post by fretter » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:07 pm

David Gutowski wrote:
Sun Feb 04, 2018 7:46 am


The baby mole said: "I don't smell nothing but moleasses because you're blocking the hole."
Ashamed to admit that this one made me snort while laughing. Time for bed.

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Andrew Fryer
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Andrew Fryer » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:16 pm

Man loses his penis in a car accident.
The surgeon says "it's possible to build you a new one, but it will cost about £1,000 per inch.
I think you should discuss the exact details with your wife, don't you."
Next day the man comes back to the surgeon and says "we're having granite worktops"
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