joke of the day

Talk about things that are not necessarily related to music or the guitar.
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Granary Guitars
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Granary Guitars » Sun Jan 27, 2019 11:52 am

In the Soviet Union, as Lenin’s anniversary was approaching, the Moscow Arts Committee launched a contest asking painters to celebrate the great founder of the Communist state for an exhibit at the Kremlin.

Many painters submitted their works; however, before the opening of the exhibit, members of the Committee had to give their approval, and visited the Kremlin for a viewing. They stopped before a grand painting entitled “Lenin Arriving to Russia at the Finland Station” (in St. Petersburg), by Alexandr Matveyevich Dyatelev.

“Magnificent, comrade. This shall be on show!”

Next they admired a huge painting entitled “Lenin Giving a Speech at the 12th Congress of the Communist Party“, by Pavel Alexeyevich Solovyov. “Another masterpiece. Thank you comrade”.

And so they went approving some, rejecting others, and were ready to leave when, by the exit door, they noticed a small painting entitled “Lenin in Poland” by Isaac Shmilovich Bernstein. The painting showed a small room and two naked bodies on a narrow bed. They summoned comrade Bernstein urgently.

“What is this? Who is the woman?” “Well, the woman is Nadezhda Konstantinovna Krupskaya, comrade Lenin’s wife”.
“And who is the man?” “Comrades, the man is Lev Davidovich Trotsky, comrade Lenin’s friend and fellow revolutionary.”
“But, but…where is Lenin?”

“Ah, Lenin is in Poland”.

Rick Hutt
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Rick Hutt » Thu Feb 07, 2019 2:43 pm

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You think that's a coincidence?
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montana
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Re: joke of the day

Post by montana » Fri Feb 08, 2019 7:01 am

Hey, I've got you a date for Valentine's day.
February 14th

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Feb 08, 2019 7:22 pm

I gave a call to a friend and asked him what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on "the aqua-thermal treatment
ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel in a
constrained environment. "

I was impressed…

To understand, I asked him for clarification and he told me that, in fact,
he washed the dishes in hot water ... under the supervision of his wife.

:contrat:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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David Gutowski
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Re: joke of the day

Post by David Gutowski » Sat Feb 09, 2019 6:40 am

I told this to my grandson and he was not impressed...probably before his time.


A frog walks into a bank and hops up to the first teller and says he wants to apply for a loan.
The teller politely informs him that she doesn't make loans and he would have to see Ms. Paddy Wack in the loan department.

So, the frog hops over to the friendly loan department and jumps on the desk and asks the loan officer if she can give him a loan.
The loan officer, Ms Paddy Wack, asks the frog what he wants the loan for. The frog says he needs to buy some dried flies to stock up for the winter.

The loan officer tells the frog the bank only makes loans with collateral and he would have to have some to back up the loan. So the frog goes home and brings back his collateral in a brown paper bag. The loan officer, Ms. Patty Wack, opens the bag and is shocked; she just can't figure out what's in the bag.

At that very moment, as fate would have it, the bank manager was walking by the loan department and overheard the conversation. He looked in the bag and said: "It's a nick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Feb 14, 2019 4:22 pm

A bit of politics (to change!)

SOCIALISM
-You have 2 cows. Your neighbors help you take care of it and you share the milk.

COMMUNISM
-You have 2 cows. The government takes both and supplies you with milk.

FASCISM
-You have 2 cows. The government takes both of them and sells you the milk.

NAZISM
-You have 2 cows. The government takes you the blonde cow and kills the brunette.

DICTATORSHIP:
-You have 2 cows. The militia confiscate them and shoot you.

FEUDALISM
-You have 2 cows. The Lord arrogates to himself half the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
-You have 2 cows. An election designates who will decide who owns the milk.

DEMOCRACY OF SINGAPORE
-You have 2 cows. You are fined for keeping livestock in an apartment.

ANARCHY
-You have 2 cows. You let them milk themselves.

CAPITALISM
-You have 2 cows. You sell one, and you buy a bull to make little ones.

CAPITALISM OF HONG KONG
-You have 2 cows. You sell 3 to your publicly traded company using your brother-in-law's credentials from your bank. Then you make an "exchange of letters against participation", accompanied by a public offer, and you recover 4 cows in the operation while benefiting from a tax abatement for the maintenance of 5 cows.

The milk rights of 6 cows are then transferred by a Panamanian intermediary to the account of a company in the Cayman Islands, held illegally by a shareholder who resells your rights to the milk of 7 cows to your listed company. The company's report includes 8 ruminants, with option to purchase an additional animal.
In the meantime you shoot down the 2 cows because their horoscope is unfavorable

WILD CAPITALISM
-You have 2 cows. You sell one, you force the other to produce like four, and you fired the worker who took care of it by accusing him of being useless.

BUREAUCRACY
-You have 2 cows. The government publishes hygiene rules that invite you to kill one. After which he makes you declare the quantity of milk you have been milking with the other, he buys the milk and throws it away. Finally, you are given forms to declare the missing cow.

ECOLOGY
-You have 2 cows. You keep the milk and the government buys you the dung.

FEMINISM
-You have 2 cows. The government is fining you for discrimination. You exchange one of your cows for a bull that you milk too.

SURREALISM
-You have 2 cows. The government demands that you give them harmonica lessons.

EUROPEAN CAPITALISM
-You subsidize the first year to buy a 3rd cow. The quotas are fixed in the second year and you pay a fine for overproduction. You are given a bonus the third year to slaughter the 3rd cow.

UK CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY
-Kill one of the cows to feed it to the other. The living cow goes crazy. Europe subsidizes you to slaughter it. You feed it to your sheep.

CAPITALISM IN FRENCH
-To finance the retirement of your cows, the government decides to raise a new tax: the CSSANAB (social contribution of solidarity with our friends the animals). Two years later, as France has recovered part of the British herd, the system is deficient. To finance the deficit, a new tax on milk production is raised: the RAB (reimbursement of bovine slate). The cows go on strike. There is no more milk. The French are in the street: "MILK WANTS MILK". France builds a milk pipeline under the sleeve to get supplies from the English. Europe declares English milk unfit for consumption. A new tax is raised for the maintenance of the milk-line, which has become useless.


:chaud:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Thu Feb 14, 2019 4:26 pm

Rick Hutt wrote:
Thu Feb 07, 2019 2:43 pm
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You think that's a coincidence?

Yes ! These three men were thirsty, just ...

though ...

:wink:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Feb 15, 2019 9:40 am

A perfect Valentine's day

The perfect Valentine's Day of Madame:

8:15 am Wake up with cuddles and kisses.
08:30 Weigh 2 kilos less than the day before.
08:45 Breakfast in bed with squeezed and croissants. Opening of gifts, for example: very expensive jewelry offered by the partner.
09:15 Take a hot bath with vanilla scent oils.
10:00 Light gymnastics at the fitness club with his personal trainer a gorgeous guy and full of humor.
10:30 am Facial care, manicure and shampoo. Leave 10 minutes, rinse, hair dryer.
12:00 Lunch at noon with the best girlfriend in a super trendy restaurant.
12:45 Spy the ex of her boyfriend and discover that she took 7 kgs.
13:00 Shop with girlfriends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
4:00 pm Delivery of three dozen roses accompanied by a card signed by a secret admirer.
4:15 pm Light gymnastics at the fitness club, followed by a massage done by a very muscular and super nice guy who says that he rarely massages such a perfect body.
5.30pm Try a new haute couture designer's collection, make a fashion show in front of the huge mirror of his shop.
7:30 pm Candlelit dinner for 2 people, music and compliments.
22:00 Hot shower (only).
22h50 Be carried to bed (fresh and ironed sheets).
23:00 Cuddles with his partner.
11:15 PM Falling asleep in his muscular arms.

:bye:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Fri Feb 15, 2019 9:43 am

The perfect Valentine's day of Monsieur:

06:00 The alarm clock rings.
6:15 Get a treat.
06:30 Big poo that relieves while reading the "sports" part of the newspaper.
07:00 Breakfast: rump and eggs, coffee and toasts prepared by the housekeeper naked, of course.
07:30 The limousine arrives.
07:45 A few glasses of whiskey on the way to the airport.
09:15 Private jet flight.
9:30 am Limousine with driver to get to the golf club (get another treat on the way).
09h45 Play golf and win.
11:45 am Lunch: MacDo, 3 beers, a bottle of Dom Pérignon.
12:15 get another blowjob
12:30 Replay golf and return.
2:15 pm Return to the airport by limousine (a few glasses of whiskey en route).
14h30 Flight to Monte Carlo.
3:30 pm Afternoon: big game fishing, the companions are all naked.
17:00 Private jet return, full body massage by Pamela Anderson.
6:45 pm Evening poo, take a shower, shave.
19:00 Watch the news: Death of a tyrant, Marijuana and Hardcore-Porn are legalized.
19:30 Dinner: lobster starter, Dom Pérignon (1953), big juicy steak and dessert: ice served on 2 large bouncy tits.
9 pm Cognac Napoléon and a cigar Cohuna, watching football in front of a huge TV screen, France beats England 11-0.
9:30 pm Sex with 3 women at a time (the 3 having lesbian tendencies).
11 pm Massage and whirlpool bath, with a good pizza and a refreshing blond beer.
23:30 get another treat to sleep well.
23:45 Be lying in bed alone.
11:50 PM Make a fart of 12 seconds that changes 4 times of tone and forces the dog to leave the room.

:bye:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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Isabelle Frizac
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Re: joke of the day

Post by Isabelle Frizac » Sun Feb 17, 2019 7:04 am

The ladies' toilet

In a very chic restaurant, a man urgently needs to go to the bathroom .... Alas, all the cabins are occupied.

The butler, sympathetic, seeing the guy on the verge of peeing in his pants, offers him to use the ladies' toilet.
- Attention, he said, do not touch the buttons, left on the wall, bearing the letters "H.W", "H.A.", "P.H." or "A.B.R."
- Promised. Promised. Thank you.

And the man disappears behind the door. Once he has satisfied the most urgent part of his needs, more relaxed, he begins to read the letters on the buttons. And, of course, the temptation being too strong, his curiosity prevails. He presses the button labeled "H.W". Immediately, a jet of HOT WATER gently caresses her buttocks.
My God, he thinks, women are spoiled ...

On his way, he presses the next button "H.A" and a breath of HOT AIR dries his back.
- Wow! Hey ! Hey ! Magnificent !!!

Emboldened by this success, he then presses the "P.H" button and very slowly a large scented POUDRE HOPPER gently taps his buttocks.
Wonderful! So he decides to try the last button mark "A.B.R" And there, he feels a huge pain that makes him scream as few animals do and he faints ...

He wakes up on a hospital bed. Confused and shaken, he rings the nurse:
- What happened to me ?
- Well, you were in the toilets of the Chic Grand Restaurant and you pressed the forbidden buttons ...
- But let's see. Each button gave me wonderful sensations ...
- Yes, yes, it's true, but the last, identified by the letters "R.A.T. "Means" Removes Automatic Tampax "
... Ah! By the way, your family jewels are on your bedside table ...

:chaud:
keep hope !
Bastien Burlot 2014" special anniversary" n°1, Pappalardo 1982, Antonio Ruiz Lopez 1974, and other instruments ...;-)

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